*gasp*

that is all.....
-j.me

something you may not know about me... i write in journals, and i have been since 6th grade.

so i realize that when i'm going through a very hard time in my life, i like to write. it's the only thing that will calm me down. and i mean write, using a pen and paper. not blogging. it's not the same. i think i relate blogging with writing essays for school. but writing, reminds me of being a little kid just writing/drawing/doodling anything i want to. for me, it's more... freeing.

this post is an ode to my journals over the years. most of my 6th grade through 12th grade journals are in my home-home (the parental unit's home) at the moment. but i have a couple from high school and all my college years until today journals are with me here at my place. and i thought i'd share....

*note, not all of these journals are totally filled, i've used a couple of the journals at the same time in my life, and i'm missing a very important journal which i know is at home from the summer of 2004 when i was in chicago on the urban missions trip.

journals from high school to now.

from left to right || 1- small sliver of a journal (you can barely see it) = june 2000 it's from my first mexico missions trip the summer after my sophomore year of high school || 2- spiral = my quote book, given to me by my friend tiffany on my 17th birthday (april 2001), and i've added to it over the years || 3+4- these 2 journals are actually the same exact journal (i probably got a 2 for 1 deal!) = 3-jan 2002 to nov 2002, 4-nov 2002 to june 2003 || 5- this is actually my day planner for the year of 2003 || 6- next spiral = march 2003 to nov 2003 || 7- nov 2003 to dec 2004 || 8- mar 2004 to may 2004 || 9- sept 2004 to nov 2004 || 10- feb 2005 to oct 2005 || 11- june 2005 to nov 2005 || 12- sept 2005 to nov 2005 || 13- dec 2005 to aug 2006 || 14- aug 2006 to june 2007 || 15- may 2007 to jan 2008 (this one was just for notes here and there) || 16- feb 2008 to feb 2009 || last one is a new journal... to be filled!

[edit: after writing this blog i was looking at all the dates, i realize that all of the times of my life--from 6th grade until now--are recorded on paper, except for dec 2004 and january 2005 (when grandma passed away) -- i guess it's true, there are no words when someone close to you goes away...]

journals i am currently writing in.

from left to right || tan/red = the journal i've been using to prep/teach for the high school group i've been leading || brown suede = personal journal, i write my thoughts, quotes, life questions that have no answers, ideas... my everything. || blue/tan = captivating journal- my senior year of college i led a small group (ashley y. and becky p.) and we went through the book 'captivating' by john and stasi eldredge... this is the journal i used then, and it's the same one i am using now since i'm reading it again with my friend lydia. full circle... actually, comparing my notes from then and now i'm realizing the same parts of the book still hits my heart the same way... interesting...

journals that i carry with me always.

from left to right || moleskine city notebook san francisco = this is a small pocketbook with maps of san francisco, of public transit, of the bart system, and places for me to write my favorite spots and places to be. i've been writing all the places i've been in the city, my favorite places, and places i've been with my favorite people. :) || moleskine pocket squared notebook = this is just a regular graph-paper pocketbook. contains notes, doodles, stickers, and just random stuff that i accumulate. || moleskine red cahier journal = this is a thin lined pocketbook with perforated pages for easy tearing out to pass along notes! i love this pocket book-- it came in a pack of 3! :)

my favorite journal:

i've had this bible since 8th grade. i've written in it since i've had it. i like to date the passages i've read. when i read the passage again, i'll write the next date. if i've written notes in the margins, i'll read them and reflect on my previous thoughts/insights, and sometimes i add to it too. this is by far my favorite place to journal.

dad, i probably got my love for books and writing from you. but mom, i totally got writing in my bible from you (i think i've always liked looking in your precious moments bible with the little pencil writings in the margins)! :)

... l just wish l realized at the time he was talking about my life.

good quote from one of my favorite movies and probably most watched movie of my life: while you were sleeping.

yes. life is definitely not what i thought it would be at 25. it's not better or worse, just not expected. at all. you would think i would truly know this by now... but i dont know if i do.

here's what is really on my mind: history repeats itself. not just in a general way, but in a more unrealized way in my own life. in the past, when i've heard the phrase "history repeats itself" i never really thought about it in my own life. yes, of course in someone else's life, who has made the same mistake over and over. but not me. no, not me. but i just realized that i did do something in my life that was the same-- coincidentally around the same time in my high school and college careers. but the lesson is more important than the story, this will be a fable so to speak. :)

if you really don't know what to do in your current situation, really take the time to reflect on your past experiences to see what choices you made and what consequences those decisions had on your life.

i'm going to be so cliche. the answers to the toughest questions in life are really right there in you. i may be too quick to romanticize the past, but it's only because who doesn't want to remember everything being good? but if i'm patient enough, and really think and reflect on the experiences i've had, i'm pretty sure i can live this life. and live it well.

i'm not done living this life, not even close.